Becoming Me

Wow. What a blessing it is to be called precious. To be called beloved. To be called daughter. As I sit here on this windy Saturday in Brooklyn, basking in His presence, I am reminded of how He sees me. I am reminded of who He has created me to be. I am reminded of His goodness, and of His loving ways.

This week I experienced something new with the Lord, as I do most weeks. So much has been changing and welling up within me. He is doing MAJOR things in my heart and I feel like I am in such a precious and sweet place with the Lord. For maybe the first time, I am truly understanding what it means to be falling deeply in L O V E with the Lord. Learning what it means to no longer call him, 'My Master' but 'My Husband'- Hosea 2.

For many years, I have put my own meaning on the word love. I have put boundaries on the word love, I have put false meaning to the word intimacy. But, day by day, He breaks off the things I have associated with these words, and shows me what Godly love is, what intimacy with Him truly means. What AGAPE love is. The unconditional, ever-flowing love that He has for me.

This week was interesting, and a learning experience. The beginning of the week started being filled to the overflow with His love and kindness. Monday this love continued to pour out, joy was overflowing! He has called me to be a joyous person, and I really felt that at the surface at the beginning of the week. And as with most high's come that spiritual backlash- the warfare. This time it was in the form of actual sickness. I felt weaker and weaker as the week went on. My body ached with pain, exhaustion filled my entire being, sickness came like a storm and blew me to the ground. Instead of hiding under His wings- which ACTUALLY protect from all sickness, pestilence, and every evil thing -Psalm 91- I let the sickness overtake. I gave in to the pain and let it steal my joy for the next four days. Because I didn't feel well I didn't spend those precious moments with the Lord taking shelter under His wings and I truly suffered through these next days.

What is great about walking with the Lord is everything can be used for good, and used as a learning experience. So by the end of the week I came to the realization, I snapped out of it, and realized I didn't put my energy into God healing me and protecting me, I put my energy into this sickness. When I was standing out in the open storm, I should have been running under the umbrella that He was holding out for me the whole time.

So here, as I sit engulfed in His presence, covered by His protection.. the sickness has vanished. It was just such a clear reminder that at our highs and especially our lows we need to be RUNNING to Him. Running to the safe place, to our secret garden of intimacy. When I don't feel good, I should be taking all of my effort and more to run to Him because that is where I will be healed and covered. We don't have to fight our own battles, we don't even have to fight sickness. We just have to come to Him and take cover under His wings. It is such a beautiful concept, such a beautiful truth.

So in this season of growing deeper in love with God, my Father & Friend, He has been bringing so much to L I F E. He is showing me WHO I AM. Becoming a completely new person this year has left me in wonder of what it means to be Anika. The identity I had given myself for 23 years stripped away. So what does that mean, who am I now? He has been showing me each day the beautiful ways in which He created me. The things He has purposed for my life, the beauty He has sewn into me. And I LOVE who He has created me to be. I love all of the big and little things that make up who I am. Creative, compassionate, funny, full of wisdom, a writer, a creator, a lover, a fighter. All of these things just show me more of who He is and I love that. Learning who I am points me to Him, there is no way around it.

Stepping into who I am has already opened some doors for the future. Exciting things to come in this next year. India in February, and Zambia in August are two of the doors that He is opening for me to walk through, I know there will be many more doors to walk through as well. He has called me to go to the nations, and I am so ready to go! He continues to bring me back to Isaiah 6, in which the Lord asks, "Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?" Isaiah replies, "Here I am! Send me." Isaiah 6:8.  He is so BEYOND worthy, God I will go! So He is sending me. So much is yet to unfold for even these two missions, but I know He has gifted me with things that need to be shared, and I need to not hold back any of it. All of who He has created me to be needs to be shared with this beautiful world. And if I keep looking to the source for my identity, keep looking to Him to show me who I am, the whole essence of who I am will glorify Him in every way. He will be the image that shines forth.



And so that, my friends, is my prayer. That as I become more of the beauty He created me to be, that it is the beauty of Him that shines through my entire being.



-Anika Jade