S E A S O N S

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven...  Ecclesiastes 3:1

How true this is and how intimately I have come to know these words over the past year. AND seasons change but His love remains. I have learned in the last year that no matter where we are in the world He is with us. No matter what we are doing, He loves us. No matter how we get there, He does not change! He wants and knows what is best for us.

So since giving my life to Christ, all I have wanted is to follow Him in all that He has for me. Whether here or there, doing this or that- I know the He knows best. And so, I am in a season of learning to trust Him and his guidance no matter where that takes me.


While I was in New Zealand, the question of what am I doing after the DTS kept popping up. But truly, I just wanted to live in the season I was in, I wanted to be fully present and not let the anxieties and worries of tomorrow weigh me down- which was actually a huge victory for me. I was someone who always loved to know what was next, what to look forward to. I didn't want too much mystery or unknown, because that was scary. But this time, I was almost scared to know what was next so I actually didn't want to know. Many of my fellow YWAMers had 'plans'. They were either taking a gap year before college, or had family they were eager to get back to, or were debating staying in New Zealand to join as staff. Honestly that was what I was hoping God was going to lead me to doing- and maybe one day I will staff a YWAM DTS, but that wasn't what He was calling me into for this season.

While I was laying down my future and my life, I also had to lay down my fear of going HOME. So many options and possibilities on what to do next but I did NOT want to go back to New York. Most people I was walking along side felt the complete opposite- they couldn't wait to get back home to comfort and familiarity, but me- no. The thought of home was filled with fear and failure and the past, I was ready for new, ready to see more, experience more.

But all in all I knew I had to lay this fear down. I had to give it up to God who wants to take it and replace it. So that's what we did. I gave him my fear and he replaced it with hope, and in the end excitement. It wasn't until mid-way through my outreach in the Solomon Islands that God revealed to me that I was, in fact, going home. I remember the day so clearly and the words He spoke to my heart. Before this, I was pretty confident I was going to Africa or Australia to do some more mission work, but His timing was different than what I thought.

I was filled with excitement and joy that God had a plan for the next season, that He was taking me back home to New York for a reason. Although fear tried to creep in here and there, I knew that He was coming with me and that I didn't need to take hold of that fear.

I see now, four months later, as I sit typing this from my new apartment in Brooklyn, how deeply God changed my heart. It was like He needed me to see for myself that I truly am not the person that left New York in January. That the girl coming home was new. That she was alive, and had the heart and mind of Christ. He had to show me that He was going to be with me in the toughest of situations and in the best. He needed to show me that I can be a light amidst the darkness, and that my story, my real L I F E has purpose.


Coming home from an experience like I had, there is expected backlash. Expected attacks from the enemy, expected hardships and lows. And it's true- I definitely experienced the re-entry phase- the coming back from this crazy, fiery, kingdom culture, radical living, mission field, Jesus crazed atmosphere into a completely spiritually dry and dead atmosphere. It was heart breaking. It was not easy. At times I felt so lost and alone, or in my head and not able to relate with people. But also knowing the Jesus never left my side, that I was never alone, and that I was on this new L I F E journey with Him and I would do anything for Him. And He provides! He provided everything I needed, from my parents and their constant support, to opportunities to serve and speak at the churches, to wonderful Christian fellowship with the ladies of a church, to friends and family that I got to love on and share my life altering experiences with! He provided jobs and new relationships- and healing from old ones, He provided encouragement from others around me, and even friends from my DTS that I could continue walking through this next season with. Jehovah Jireh, the God who PROVIDES. I LOVE being able to witness the realness of who He is. I love experiencing His faithfulness. I love learning and understanding more of who He is and how He loves his children. I LOVE HIM and He is good.


So most of my time at home was spent working, as per usual, but it definitely looked and felt different. I live in a place that is flooded with seasonal 'guests' so most of any work I have done has been seasonal service industry jobs, i.e. restaurant, retail, yacht work, and babysitting. It has always been the most stressful of environments, and most taxing physically mentally and emotionally. In the past, I sadly never experienced a job that didn't completely drain me and make me want to run far far away never to work again. Ha, not even kidding. So this summer, being a transformed individual and having the mind of Christ had a challenge to work in this environment without letting the negativity and stress of it all overtake my mind and self. And wow, by the grace of God so much changed. I was so dependent on Him to show me where to work and what would be the best fit for me in this season, and to help me get through it all. I tried out a few jobs here and there, one in the restaurant and one on a yacht. Both came to an end very quickly after being asked questions like, "Do you have any blow?" and becoming so obsessed with the money aspect of the work that I forgot what I was really there for (to be a light). Yeah being asked if I had coke (in general but especially AT WORK?!?!?!?!) reeeeally did not sit well with me. God bless your poor soul. So I stepped down, I stepped away from the jobs, from the negativity that quickly began to overwhelm me and just said God I know you will provide what I need, when I need it. I even made lists of self work I could do if a "job job" was not what He had for me in this season. I was willing to literally do anything, I just didn't want to be that old person.


Beautifully enough, He had it all planned out- and it has lead me to where I am, right now.. in my new apartment in Brooklyn. A few odd jobs here and there until He planted me exactly where He wanted me. And His timing was crazy! I always think- what if the boat thing worked out and I wasn't available those days to pick up the babysitting shift?! What if I had a job already so I wasn't asking around for nanny jobs, etc.?! What if what if, but no.. I believe His plan was above all of it! So in the weeks of looking and asking for babysitting shifts or families that needed some help the rest of the summer, I got a text from a friend of my sister looking for a babysitter for her bosses neighbor. Literally. Anyways, I took the job, which was supposed to be for three days and ended up being my full time work for the rest of the summer....?!? Her previous nanny quit WHILE I was working, I'm like aaahhhh I see you God. I needed a job and she needed a nanny?! And it is such a good fit, I absolutely adore the children and parents, and we all just really work well together. I have such a heart for children and definitely see a future ministry working with kiddies, so this has been a really big step towards that for me. Full time job of loving on them and caring for them and showing them that beyond their mom and dad and me, they are completely taken care of, created by, and loved by an awesome God! They are only 3 years and 1.5 so baby steps, literally, but it has been so wonderful to watch this whole thing unfold.

I thought that the job would go until the end of summer and then say see ya later alligators. I thought I was going to be in Africa doing more mission work within the next couple of weeks. But really the timing just didn't feel right on all of that. I do 100% feel like I will be in Africa at some point in the next year or so, but just following God's footprints for where He wants me right now. So He has guided me two hours west of my family home in Bridgehampton to New York City!!!!! I moved to Brooklyn to live with three strangers on September 1st, and commute into Manhattan 5-6 days out of the week to hang with my lil babes. Everything is new and exciting, also scary and intimidating. But honestly one of the coolest opportunities I get to live out! I will be living here for the year, probably until next summer when everything starts back up in the Hamptons and the beach is ready for me again, but I also don't know what His plan is and when I will understand the bigger picture.

I have already seen crazy prayers answered- down to having exposed brick and a window in my room (with an awesome sunset view and fire escape not to mention- sooo Brooklyn). He is continuing to provide everything I need- an awesome church community with weekly fellowship, a job that I LOVE, new adventures, friendly and lovely roommates. He knows my heart, He knows what I need and what I desire.

My words are positive because I believe in His goodness and faithfulness, but trust me- it has not all been easy peasy. It has actually been pretty isolating making this big change and huge move. Trying to find myself amidst all of the transition. But it is all helping me to become who I am. Things like drinking alcohol and desiring wrongful attention that have completely deadened me spiritually in the past coming back to test me. And yes I have failed some of the tests, but it continually pushes me to Jesus. He doesn't want us to be all strong and perfect, He says he is best glorified in our weaknesses. So day after day, I take my fault and my mistakes and give it up to Him. But man, does alcohol have a stronghold over my life. Where I thought I could just casually drink like I see so many other Christians do.. it's just not about comparison. It's about my personal walk and I've come to realize in the last week that drinking is something I have to completely and fully surrender to the Lord, so I have, once again. I know that whatever the cost, whatever suffering I may endure, He is worth it.

Knowing Him, experiencing Him, being loved by Him, it makes it all worth it.

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.  Romans 8:18



This is my L I F E right now. Growing in trust, learning to hear & experience Him differently, enjoying the toil and work, rejoicing in all He has done in my L I F E. I am so excited for the season He has me in right now, I love the ones He has brought me through in the past, and I look forward to everything He has for me in the future. I don't know who reads this blog, but I pray my experiences and words will encourage you and strengthen your faith in the King of kings. He is a faithful Father and a good Friend!