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If you read my previous blog post I shared a little about the call I received from God to join Marine Reach school in Tauranga, New Zealand, for their five-month Discipleship Training School (DTS). I applied to this DTS in early August 2017, in total fear that I wouldn't be accepted because of where I was at with my walk with God. To my surprise, I was soon accepted into their January 2018 school under the Wild Heart stream. When researching which DTS to attend, (which there are like thousands all over the entire world) I definitely feel like God provided exactly what I needed, where I needed it. When looking at the YWAM webpage, which was almost a little overwhelming from all the many many choices I could make, it quickly became so clear that the Wild Heart stream in this school in New Zealand was where God was pulling me. Like the words were literally jumping off the page and my heart was RACING. I read something like, "Do you have a heart for adventure?! Do you want to be WILD for GOD?!" um YES AND YES. I even ignored the parts that were like, you might be trekking out to unreached places with loads of bibles to distribute (which funny enough came to pass on my outreach) because that sounded less fun than "zip-lining through the jungles, white water rafting, and surfing while in lecture phase."
At this time in my life, prior to the start of the DTS process, I felt very little direction. I was just living for myself. Not for God and not for others. This was the first time in years I felt like I was being led by God, and even more- the first time I was walking in OBEDIENCE in a really long time. If you aren't familiar with YWAM and this all sounds random and unclear, I would check it out! The organization's mission is to bring together young people, ages 17-30, to train & disciple & host a place for their spiritual growth/walk with God, and to then send them out into the world to do the Great Commission (preach the gospel, lay hands on the sick, cast demons out of people.) ALL which is what I experienced during my time with them. The school is divided into two phases, lecture phase and outreach. Lecture phase was 12 weeks of intensive preparation, a time of really getting right with God, laying our lives down as Christ did, and for me HEALING. And an 8 week outreach follows, where we let God lead us to a location, and go to do His work!
Now, when I applied, even when I got there, I had NO IDEA what I was in for. I didn't really know what any of this even meant. I didn't know how deep it was going to be. I didn't know how broken and lost I was. I didn't know God was personal and wanted to be in RELATIONSHIP with ME. I had no idea. I had no idea that this was the start of a new life, that this was the start of freedom. That this is where I was going to be set free & delivered from the haunting of my past. That God was going to clothe me in purity and completely wipe my past away. But now, I look back and see it all so clearly. I see how it all fit together for my life journey. I see how he really can and WILL work all things for good for those who love HIM- Romans 8:28. I see how this was just one piece to the puzzle, and one step that I needed to take to get on the right path, the path of righteousness.
Changing my life, surrendering all I am and have to the Lord was a C H O I C E. We all have free will. God didn't create us to force us to be in relationship with him. He wanted us to CHOOSE to be in that relationship. It took me years of battling myself, and the world to realize.. I simply can not do it on my own.. nor do I want to. At this point, I'm like why wouldn't I want to walk with Him- who knows me better than I know myself. I don't WANT to live without Him, I don't WANT to be my own god anymore. I had been living in and surrounded by this idea that everyone can and should be their own god.. it's up to you to create your own happiness and light kinda thing. I've just found there is SO much more walking and living for a GOD bigger than myself, the creator of the universe, MY creator. The one who knitted us together in our mother's womb- Psalm 139:13. There is endless possibilities walking with the Holy Spirit. All I had to do was accept what Jesus did for ME. That he was persecuted for MY transgressions, and that the Spirit of God rose him from the dead. And my free gift is eternal life WITH HIM!
I recommitted my life to Jesus after sharing my life story with my 65 student and 22 staff school. After laying everything out on the table, the deepest of secrets I buried within myself, the pain and horror I had experienced in my past, as well as the rescuing I had experienced with God throughout my life at different times. The morning before I shared my life story I felt that small whisper from God say, "Forgive and you will be forgiven." I was not familiar with hearing God's voice, or even knowing how intimately he speaks to us. But it was so clear that this is what I needed to do. My past was my past and I needed to learn to forgive and let those that hurt me FREE. Forgiving others not only set me free, it also set them free. It severed something in the spiritual, a bond that was holding us both captive, and it was the start to a deep and long healing process. I remember the night before our first official day of the school we had this worship session. First, I had never experienced worship like this- I barely even knew any of the songs. The director of our school started prophesying over the season we were in and over some of us specifically. I remember he- not knowing who it was for or maybe it was for multiple people- but he said the words "Let. Go." and I immediately broke down. It pierced so deep into my spirit. like a canon ball to my stomach. And this was before anything even started! It was like a preparation for what was to come- like get ready to let go of everything you've ever known and ready to experience a whole new life a whole new perspective of life.
I remember the first moment I walked through the doors of the base. I was welcomed by these lovely girls, just open arms of love. I was kind of like okay, what's happening right now, also I am so hungry?! I immediately had girls praying for me and speaking words of knowledge over me, and it was all just pushing me past my comfort zone into the reality of what was to come over the next five months. This was a place for me to start over, from the very beginning. To take off the cloaks of shame and guilt that I had been carrying for so long. To find that innocence again. To find how to be a child again, and look to my Heavenly Father for EVERYTHING. This was a place for me to be surrounded by people who wanted to help lift me back on my feet, people who wanted to join me in my journey, people who wanted to support and encourage me, who wanted to challenge me. People who helped me find purpose and my special God given gifts. People who helped teach, and share experience and wisdom. People who showed me what it meant to be on FIRE for God. People who loved and people who I could love. I truly believe that God hand-picked all of us to be there for one another. TIMING is crazy, and I am just so thankful that is where I ended up at that exact point in my life. So thankful to all of the people who were there for me, but mostly thankful to God that DTS was a part of my journey.
One of the last days of DTS my friend was like I can't wait to get to heaven and ask Papa how many tears I cried. Same, bro. More tears in this five months, than my entire life! In the absolute best way ever. When I say deep healing, I didn't know how deep deep could get. This one day God showed me this GIGANTIC root in my heart that he was trying to pull out but something was still holding them in place. I was like I have to go deeper than I already am?! One of my favorite days during lecture phase were Wednesdays. My ministry placement (chores) for Wednesdays was grounds keeping, and God used this time almost every week to show me something symbolic of what he was doing in me through nature. My favorite was weeding when I got to rip out all of the bad stuff to make room for new stuff.. good stuff.
The entire lecture phase was incredible, to say the least. We got to grow with one another, grow in our faith, in our FIRE. Worship sessions were like all time favorite- by the end I was named the tambourine girl. Dancing crazy, singing crazier, worshipping and praising our God, lifting up our voices. It was very special, very unforgettable. The weekly lecturers were some of the most amazing and gifted people that I've experienced. Some of the craziest things I have ever done happened during those weeks. We were given this safe space to step out in boldness, to practice hearing God's voice and acting on it, to practice our spiritual gifting. And just a safe place to ask REAL questions and get good answers. In the lecture phase, I found how important and integral the Word is in keeping that healthy and alive relationship with God. DTS is commonly referred to as Die To Self, meaning we learn how to pick up our cross daily, and walk in the Spirit. We were taught on subjects from wisdom, to spiritual warfare, to the holy spirit, and the character and nature of God, and more! Just week after week of mind blowing, revelational information!
There was a day of baptism, where nearly 40 of us were baptized! I made this decision to be re-baptized early on in my DTS journey. I knew I wanted to make that public commitment of dying to my old self and rising into a new life with Christ. It was one of the best days I can remember. The before and after photos show that tangible rebirth- which is incredible to me. That old girl, she truly died, she was drowned in the ocean that day, February 16, 2018. I was first baptized when I was about 12 years old, but it just didn't have the same meaning then as it did this time. This was like a real launching step into this new life. It was the beginning of this new life! I honestly think it is amazing what God did. The TANGIBLE difference. I LOOK DIFFERENT. My eyes changed, my smile changed. Life was breathed back into me! Where I was filled with darkness I am now filled with light. Where I was held captive to fear, sadness, despair, I am now free to dance in hope, love, faith, and joy. The Lord brought me to Luke 11:34-36 one day which says, "Your eye is the lamp of your body. When your eye is healthy, your whole body is full of light, but when it is bad, your body is full of darkness. Therefore be careful lest the light in you be darkness. If then your whole body is full of light, having no part dark, it will be wholly bright, as when a lamp with its rays gives you light." I know now what this means, because I can see it in my own eyes! See for yourself the before and after shots! All glory to God!
BEFORE REDEMPTION
AFTER
Pictured (top to bottom): My one-on-one and dear German friend, Fran! She was a DTS staff who was there for me every week to pray with, talk to, laugh with, sing with, be loved by... and much more. We are very silly and sometimes it was hard to be serious, but I am so thankful God gave me such a beautifully hearted friend to walk through this season with, and a life long sister for the ones to come! She is on FIRE for God.
My roommate and Faroese sista, Sara. What a beautiful, fun, and loving girl I got to live with. Full of biblical wisdom, JOKES, constant support, and prayer. Love this girl. And behind us a wonderful man of God, Noah.
And lastly, my seven wonderful, unique, talented, loving, gorgeous roommates. From left to right, Prinscillia, me, Sara, Sonya, Andrea, Hee Jung, Elizabeth, and Lisa. WOW WOW WOW (we actually made up a song using only those words because it just describes us perfectly). What a beyond blessing it is to know these INCREDIBLE women of God and to be loved by them. Ya know when they say friends forever.... YEAH, we sisters.
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My God is a redeeming God, he is a transformative God, he is a LIVING God, he is a personal God. He is faithful, he is abundant. He has forever transformed my life and made me whole. When I was lost, he was with me. And when I was ready to come home, he welcomed me and continues to rejoice over me. Where there was captivity, he brought freedom. Where there was pain and suffering, he brought joy. He is my guide, my Father, my friend, my everything. I am thankful for every bit of it, everything that got me to where I am today. I am thankful that my identity is now found in Him and not that of the world. I am thankful that he loves me.
I know this is only the start to an eternal life with Him. YES & AMEN.
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This post is getting rather lengthy, so I better stop here. BUT, I have so much more to share about my incredible experience with YWAM in the Outreach Phase of my DTS. So..... To be continued....
