S E A S O N S

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven...  Ecclesiastes 3:1

How true this is and how intimately I have come to know these words over the past year. AND seasons change but His love remains. I have learned in the last year that no matter where we are in the world He is with us. No matter what we are doing, He loves us. No matter how we get there, He does not change! He wants and knows what is best for us.

So since giving my life to Christ, all I have wanted is to follow Him in all that He has for me. Whether here or there, doing this or that- I know the He knows best. And so, I am in a season of learning to trust Him and his guidance no matter where that takes me.


While I was in New Zealand, the question of what am I doing after the DTS kept popping up. But truly, I just wanted to live in the season I was in, I wanted to be fully present and not let the anxieties and worries of tomorrow weigh me down- which was actually a huge victory for me. I was someone who always loved to know what was next, what to look forward to. I didn't want too much mystery or unknown, because that was scary. But this time, I was almost scared to know what was next so I actually didn't want to know. Many of my fellow YWAMers had 'plans'. They were either taking a gap year before college, or had family they were eager to get back to, or were debating staying in New Zealand to join as staff. Honestly that was what I was hoping God was going to lead me to doing- and maybe one day I will staff a YWAM DTS, but that wasn't what He was calling me into for this season.

While I was laying down my future and my life, I also had to lay down my fear of going HOME. So many options and possibilities on what to do next but I did NOT want to go back to New York. Most people I was walking along side felt the complete opposite- they couldn't wait to get back home to comfort and familiarity, but me- no. The thought of home was filled with fear and failure and the past, I was ready for new, ready to see more, experience more.

But all in all I knew I had to lay this fear down. I had to give it up to God who wants to take it and replace it. So that's what we did. I gave him my fear and he replaced it with hope, and in the end excitement. It wasn't until mid-way through my outreach in the Solomon Islands that God revealed to me that I was, in fact, going home. I remember the day so clearly and the words He spoke to my heart. Before this, I was pretty confident I was going to Africa or Australia to do some more mission work, but His timing was different than what I thought.

I was filled with excitement and joy that God had a plan for the next season, that He was taking me back home to New York for a reason. Although fear tried to creep in here and there, I knew that He was coming with me and that I didn't need to take hold of that fear.

I see now, four months later, as I sit typing this from my new apartment in Brooklyn, how deeply God changed my heart. It was like He needed me to see for myself that I truly am not the person that left New York in January. That the girl coming home was new. That she was alive, and had the heart and mind of Christ. He had to show me that He was going to be with me in the toughest of situations and in the best. He needed to show me that I can be a light amidst the darkness, and that my story, my real L I F E has purpose.


Coming home from an experience like I had, there is expected backlash. Expected attacks from the enemy, expected hardships and lows. And it's true- I definitely experienced the re-entry phase- the coming back from this crazy, fiery, kingdom culture, radical living, mission field, Jesus crazed atmosphere into a completely spiritually dry and dead atmosphere. It was heart breaking. It was not easy. At times I felt so lost and alone, or in my head and not able to relate with people. But also knowing the Jesus never left my side, that I was never alone, and that I was on this new L I F E journey with Him and I would do anything for Him. And He provides! He provided everything I needed, from my parents and their constant support, to opportunities to serve and speak at the churches, to wonderful Christian fellowship with the ladies of a church, to friends and family that I got to love on and share my life altering experiences with! He provided jobs and new relationships- and healing from old ones, He provided encouragement from others around me, and even friends from my DTS that I could continue walking through this next season with. Jehovah Jireh, the God who PROVIDES. I LOVE being able to witness the realness of who He is. I love experiencing His faithfulness. I love learning and understanding more of who He is and how He loves his children. I LOVE HIM and He is good.


So most of my time at home was spent working, as per usual, but it definitely looked and felt different. I live in a place that is flooded with seasonal 'guests' so most of any work I have done has been seasonal service industry jobs, i.e. restaurant, retail, yacht work, and babysitting. It has always been the most stressful of environments, and most taxing physically mentally and emotionally. In the past, I sadly never experienced a job that didn't completely drain me and make me want to run far far away never to work again. Ha, not even kidding. So this summer, being a transformed individual and having the mind of Christ had a challenge to work in this environment without letting the negativity and stress of it all overtake my mind and self. And wow, by the grace of God so much changed. I was so dependent on Him to show me where to work and what would be the best fit for me in this season, and to help me get through it all. I tried out a few jobs here and there, one in the restaurant and one on a yacht. Both came to an end very quickly after being asked questions like, "Do you have any blow?" and becoming so obsessed with the money aspect of the work that I forgot what I was really there for (to be a light). Yeah being asked if I had coke (in general but especially AT WORK?!?!?!?!) reeeeally did not sit well with me. God bless your poor soul. So I stepped down, I stepped away from the jobs, from the negativity that quickly began to overwhelm me and just said God I know you will provide what I need, when I need it. I even made lists of self work I could do if a "job job" was not what He had for me in this season. I was willing to literally do anything, I just didn't want to be that old person.


Beautifully enough, He had it all planned out- and it has lead me to where I am, right now.. in my new apartment in Brooklyn. A few odd jobs here and there until He planted me exactly where He wanted me. And His timing was crazy! I always think- what if the boat thing worked out and I wasn't available those days to pick up the babysitting shift?! What if I had a job already so I wasn't asking around for nanny jobs, etc.?! What if what if, but no.. I believe His plan was above all of it! So in the weeks of looking and asking for babysitting shifts or families that needed some help the rest of the summer, I got a text from a friend of my sister looking for a babysitter for her bosses neighbor. Literally. Anyways, I took the job, which was supposed to be for three days and ended up being my full time work for the rest of the summer....?!? Her previous nanny quit WHILE I was working, I'm like aaahhhh I see you God. I needed a job and she needed a nanny?! And it is such a good fit, I absolutely adore the children and parents, and we all just really work well together. I have such a heart for children and definitely see a future ministry working with kiddies, so this has been a really big step towards that for me. Full time job of loving on them and caring for them and showing them that beyond their mom and dad and me, they are completely taken care of, created by, and loved by an awesome God! They are only 3 years and 1.5 so baby steps, literally, but it has been so wonderful to watch this whole thing unfold.

I thought that the job would go until the end of summer and then say see ya later alligators. I thought I was going to be in Africa doing more mission work within the next couple of weeks. But really the timing just didn't feel right on all of that. I do 100% feel like I will be in Africa at some point in the next year or so, but just following God's footprints for where He wants me right now. So He has guided me two hours west of my family home in Bridgehampton to New York City!!!!! I moved to Brooklyn to live with three strangers on September 1st, and commute into Manhattan 5-6 days out of the week to hang with my lil babes. Everything is new and exciting, also scary and intimidating. But honestly one of the coolest opportunities I get to live out! I will be living here for the year, probably until next summer when everything starts back up in the Hamptons and the beach is ready for me again, but I also don't know what His plan is and when I will understand the bigger picture.

I have already seen crazy prayers answered- down to having exposed brick and a window in my room (with an awesome sunset view and fire escape not to mention- sooo Brooklyn). He is continuing to provide everything I need- an awesome church community with weekly fellowship, a job that I LOVE, new adventures, friendly and lovely roommates. He knows my heart, He knows what I need and what I desire.

My words are positive because I believe in His goodness and faithfulness, but trust me- it has not all been easy peasy. It has actually been pretty isolating making this big change and huge move. Trying to find myself amidst all of the transition. But it is all helping me to become who I am. Things like drinking alcohol and desiring wrongful attention that have completely deadened me spiritually in the past coming back to test me. And yes I have failed some of the tests, but it continually pushes me to Jesus. He doesn't want us to be all strong and perfect, He says he is best glorified in our weaknesses. So day after day, I take my fault and my mistakes and give it up to Him. But man, does alcohol have a stronghold over my life. Where I thought I could just casually drink like I see so many other Christians do.. it's just not about comparison. It's about my personal walk and I've come to realize in the last week that drinking is something I have to completely and fully surrender to the Lord, so I have, once again. I know that whatever the cost, whatever suffering I may endure, He is worth it.

Knowing Him, experiencing Him, being loved by Him, it makes it all worth it.

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.  Romans 8:18



This is my L I F E right now. Growing in trust, learning to hear & experience Him differently, enjoying the toil and work, rejoicing in all He has done in my L I F E. I am so excited for the season He has me in right now, I love the ones He has brought me through in the past, and I look forward to everything He has for me in the future. I don't know who reads this blog, but I pray my experiences and words will encourage you and strengthen your faith in the King of kings. He is a faithful Father and a good Friend!

Remembrance

Remembering what God has done. Remembering how far he has brought me. All of the seasons coming together to create one beauty-FULL life.

Remembering how He completely transformed my mind and heart in the last year. Remembering how He answered (and continues to answer) the desires of my heart. It's crazy how he knows us. Like, he knows us SO deeply, so much more than we even know ourselves- I mean he CREATED us. 

Today, I am remembering my outreach in the Solomon Islands. I am remembering how God used ME as a vessel, how he strengthened me, how he guided me, how he grew me. How he loved me, and loved through me. If you haven't read my previous posts- you should! It is about my transformative experience with YWAM and the first part of the school that prepared me for what I will be sharing in this post...

During the lecture phase of my DTS we had to pray about what outreach team we were supposed to be on. This was early on in the first few weeks- it was actually a step in learning to hear God's voice and trust that he speaks to us. As I said in the last blog post, I was in the wild heart stream of my DTS, in which there were three different outreach teams. Of the 7(+/-) different streams in our entire school, there were 11 outreach teams, going to all different locations in the South Pacific. My homework was to pray about and ask God which team I was supposed to be on- 1, 2, or 3.  It seemed kind of silly as we didn't know any information on where these teams were going or who our leaders or teammates would be, and we just had to receive a number that would determine all of these things!? So I got right to it, I made up a little system and asked God, okay team 1 bring me to a scripture about this.. team two, a scripture about this.. team three, etc. After praying and asking God for a clear answer to the team I was supposed to be on, it was clear as day (with many confirmations); I got team 2! And a few days later we all found out our outreach locations and teams. I was on a team of 5 students with 2 staff leading us to the Solomon Islands. 

I immediately was like NO WAY, God has been speaking to me for months!? After being accepted to this DTS back in September, one day I was just looking at a map of the South Pacific region wondering where I might go on outreach. SOLOMON ISLANDS jumped out at me. Even when explaining to friends what YWAM was and what I might be doing, I said, "My outreach will be somewhere in the South Pacific, like the Solomon Islands or something." He was speaking this to me for months and I had no idea, until I knew! It was kind of encouraging- like okay well, what else has he been speaking to me throughout my entire L I F E?! 

Our team didn't know much about our outreach until we got there really. We had very few contacts upon arrival and few plans on what we were going to be doing- but we had extraordinary leaders and an awesome team of willing hearts to just follow where He was leading. It was so adventurous for us wild hearts, exactly what we needed (I would say.) If I had three words to describe our outreach I would say, hmmm that's pretty hard. Spontaneous, Spirit-led, and (IMMENSE) Growth.


We left our base in New Zealand the second week of April. Goodbyes were super hard- as we were all going to different locations for the next two months! We spent three incredible months together, growing with one another, having crazy break through, and just completely falling in love with one another (in a non-romantic way, lol), and in love with our GOD. I honestly think goodbyes were harder leaving for outreach than they were leaving at the end of the school. Anyways- my team flew into Honiara, the capital city in the Guadacanal Province of the Solomon Islands. I remember the Lord just flooding me with excitement and promises for the time we were going to spend there.


First impressions are so interesting, but they really stick. I remember every minute of that first day, like it was yesterday. Getting picked up at the airport, driving through the dirt roads, markets everywhere, garbage EVERYWHERE, hot sun blazing down. And then arriving at our first accommodation being completely blown away for how God provided for us. I thought we were going to be sleeping in like a hut on the dirt ground, no electricity, etc.... Little did I know, we were going to have a full (screened in) house, with multiple bedrooms and bathrooms, living room, kitchen, porch. It was beautiful. This all was provided by the ONE contact we had, SITAG. They are a bible translation and literacy program in the Solomon Islands, connected with Whitcliff (a Bible Translating Organization). They were so welcoming and gave us a little rundown of how we could help them out while we were there. A few weeks into our outreach we got to purchase and distribute bibles that were translated into a Solomon Island language to unreached people groups- but I will get there in more detail.


So, what was our main M I S S I O N for our outreach in the Solomon Islands?

• To build relationship with the people
• To learn about and understand the culture and people
• To love on and serve the people
• To share the gospel & reveal truth about God
• To break religiosity and show what it means to be in relationship with the Lord
• To build confidence and faith in the power of Jesus' name through prayer, deliverance, healing
• To let the L I G H T of C H R I S T shine through the darkness. 
• To claim Kingdom Culture among the people, and claim their land as HIS. 

We were aware of some of the spiritual warfare we might combat, that came in forms of witchcraft and black magic, heathen worship, dreams, fear, and more. There were times when multiple members of our team were struggling with bad dreams and fear of the darkness. Earlier in the DTS, the Lord brought be to Psalm 91- a psalm of complete protection over all evil. After praying one morning for scriptures for each of us to read throughout our outreach, I again felt led to read Psalm 91 every night before bed. And so I did, and I truly felt that protection. There were nights where I felt just completely under attack from the enemy, and would just continuously pray out Psalm 91, and even just speaking Jesus' name over and over out loud. It began this huge sense of trust and faith in how He protects ME. As I dwell in His shelter, and abide in His shadow I am covered by His blood that was shed to overcome ALL evil. I saw these words come to life as I saw darkness flee at His name, not only before bed, but in many scenarios during outreach, and since. This scripture has become a powerful weapon in spiritual warfare. 

What was MY m i s s i o n for this time on outreach?

My mission was to learn to love with the Father's heart. To learn to serve willingly and wholeheartedly. To learn to share my story without fear and to watch chains be broken the way I experienced it. To TAKE MY VOICE BACK, after years of being silenced by satan, and to speak with authority. To submit to my leaders and mostly to God, to watch Him lead and to follow. To dream BIG and expect God in HUGE ways- whether it was provision, protection, guidance, strength. And to show the women and young girls their worth in Jesus Christ.

I found all of these things come to life during my time, the learning process was huge and some things were harder than others but I truly felt like an overcomer by the end of my outreach. That was the word I left with in my heart, OVERCAME. The obstacles, the struggles, the annoyances, the hardships- in their own times were dealt with. In the end of the outreach, we were evaluated by our leaders, and one thing mine said to me that really stuck, was that I was never comfortable in staying in a struggle and with everything I found ways to let God help me overcome. And I think that is the most important thing- that I couldn't do it on my own, but had to allow God in to show me and teach me and help me through EVERYTHING, good and bad. It was a time of continually submitting to the Lord. I had to submit my own ways, thoughts, desires, pride to the Lord and let Him who KNOWS lead the way. He needed to make the decisions and he needed us to submit ourselves to allow that to happen. And the most incredible things happened because of it.


Soooo, what did we DO?!

We spent the first 3.5 weeks in Honiara and then 2 weeks on an outer island Malaita and back to Honiara for the final 2.5 weeks. The first weeks we spent working with different churches, youth groups, schools. We did market ministry, street evangelism, prayer walks, open air testimony sharing and worship, and more! We had the most amazing opportunities, day after day, fall right into our hands. We continued to follow where the Spirit led us, even to the hour of where and what we should be doing. This included following the Spirit in rest times and team-building. There were events that we preached at and shared testimonies, there were times of celebration, times of serving, and times of being served. My team and I were constantly blown away at the generosity of the Solomon Islanders and their beautiful and wonderful hospitality. Time after time we were served unbelievable dinners and honored in beautiful and humbling ways.

There was one day where we felt led to do a 'treasure hunt'. Most of us had never done this, or even knew what this meant. This type of treasure hunt was basically walking through the city seeking out different 'treasures' that the Lord placed in our hearts and minds. People to pray for, or share the gospel with. Places to be for divine encounters, and ideas for what the Lord wanted us to do. Completely Spirit-led treasure hunt. So the night and morning before we prayed about different 'treasures' or clues for the next day, as well as partners to go out with. We all went our different directions and had completely unique and amazing experiences per group. We were asking Holy Spirit which way to turn on roads, and specifically which people to speak with. I had the impression that we were going to worship near this tree, so I brought my ukulele and music. (I was with two others.) We wondered through the city praying and seeking direction. We immediately felt led to speak with the government officials and were able to set up a prayer meeting with the Guadacanal Province Government for later that day! So cool. We continued to walk around and felt led into this particular market. Some of the markets in Honiara are suuuuper dark and unwelcoming to say the least. We walked through and I felt super weird after we even had to break off curses and cover ourselves in prayer. BUT we did find the tree God showed me to worship at, in the back of the market next to the gambling and drinking. Although fear was creeping all around, we knew that worshiping here would be that powerful tool, the spiritual warfare that He wanted us to use to bring light to the darkness.

After a little back and forth in the city, we got to spend over an hour in the government building. My teammate shared a beautiful word on Unity in the body of Christ, and we then prayed for individuals. We saw healing and deliverance during this prayer time as well as tears filling many of the government officials eyes. It was beautiful and honoring to be able to speak openly to these people in positions of power. We then headed back towards the market, where darkness LITERALLY hovered. God told me to look at this dark cloud that was hovering over the area, and impressed in my heart that as we worshipped light would overcome and break through this darkness. As sure enough, mid-worshipping in a crowd of 80+ people, I look up to bright and sunnier blue skies, not a dark cloud in sight. As I continued worshipping and singing of the power in Jesus' name, my teammates prayed for people that came forward. I shared a bit of my testimony- for the first time publicly like this- and asked those who needed healing of the heart, or to find forgiveness to come forward. We saw physical healing, emotional healing, more than 5 people recommit their lives to Jesus. We heard words of people being encouraged to turn back to God, and so much more! It was absolutely incredible. Light always overcomes darkness, and we were so blessed to witness it with our own eyes. This experience will always be one of my favorite testimonies of God using us as His vessels to reach the unreached and to love on ALL people.

We spent a lot of time building relationship with this one church, and the school they run as well. These were a group of some of the most FIRE-Y people I have ever met. They were beautiful, servant hearted, lovers of Jesus, and it some of my most beautiful memories of Honiara come from that group of people. Multiple times we were so blessed to go and teach at their school. All of the teachers there volunteer their time, so it was awesome to be a part of that and really just see what it means to so humbly serve and just the opportunity to love on these beautiful kids was my favorite.

The next few weeks in Malaita consisted of many hours of travel, loads of bibles, and probably the most beautiful places I have ever been in my entire life. Some moments were so unreal I would just cry out in awe of God, like "MAN OH MAN this is top of the list dreams coming true right here!"
 God is so cool, He knows. He knows E V E R Y desire of our heart, every dream, every wish- He probably put them there to begin with. Funny enough- I put up a serious fight with God about this portion of our outreach. I did NOT want to go. I was comfortable in Honiara, I didn't want to trek around with all of our stuff AND loads of bibles AND massive amounts of food for the two weeks. I just did not want to go. And one night in Honiara before we left, we were prompted to pray about going for three weeks rather than two, and boy did I get humbled that night. I knew we were going for three weeks- our whole team immediately agreed that was what we felt peace with. and then the Holy Spirit came in like a wrecking ball and we SURELY got hit hard- all while the song, "Kia Kaha" was playing. It says, "Oh not my will but Yours be done, reveal the will of the Father... I trust you Lord, I trust you know it all for me." Great song BTW.

It was so clearly all coming from the enemy. Not wanting to go- all of this fear of the unknown being flooded into my mind, and I was taking hold of these evil thoughts. Meanwhile, this was some of the best moments of the whole outreach. It was incredible. We had a guide and translator with us, as well as the YWAM Solomon Island's Director, our S.I. mama and her daughter. They both blessed us with SO much during that time, and we got to meet their families! We were mostly doing village to village ministry in East and West Kwaio, in Malaita. We distributed bibles and children story books, as well as put on 'programs' at every village's church. We typically did a skit [about creation, the fall, redemption & restoration through Jesus, and relationship], a song or two of worship, one or two testimonies, and a message on the Word. Each time would be different- different Word, testimonies from different teammates, all according to how the Spirit led us. It was so fun because we wouldn't even know until the literal moment you were called up by another teammate, or stood up saying you had something to share. All of these different ways of being led were so strengthening to my personal trust and faith that I don't need to be anxious- EVER- for He will ALWAYS give me the words to speak in the hour to speak them- Matthew 10:19. We were able to get comfortable in our testimonies- but also learned to share different aspects of them. We were able to be (humbly) confident in the words God put on our hearts to share, and just public speaking in general.


Our final weeks in Honiara, we spent at the YWAM base in the S.I. We got to know Hilda the director for the 2 weeks we were in Malaita and were so happy to be with her for the remainder of our outreach- along with the amazing team they have there. During this portion we did a lot more manual and hands-on work, i.e. gardening, construction, painting, & cooking, as well as leading worship & intercession times. We continued to do street evangelism, prayer walks, ministry with the Gateway Church & school, and we were invited to a college youth rally weekend with the other YWAM team, where we collaborated skits, worship music, and testimonies. It was incredible to work with one another and just really walk in that unity. I absolutely LOVED getting to know the staff at YWAM Solomons and work along side of them. We got to cook and clean and worship and build together. They are beautiful people and relationships that I won't forget.


All of the experiences in these two months changed something in me. It was a feeling of belonging- not in the world but in that Kingdom culture. Wherever I was, wherever I am, I belong, to someone, something bigger than myself. I learned to love in a different way. It was something I struggled with in the beginning, but something God worked with me and showed me how to receive His love, and let it flow through me. To love ABOVE quirks and differences, even annoyances, and to SEE the Jesus in others, to see purpose and beauty in all of those around me. I also realized one of the biggest desires of my heart- to do mission work in third world countries. I had this thought and desire since college, and it started blossoming into real life! My life! It felt so right to be out in foreign places sharing His love. I found this deeper sense of my calling.


I continue to see how everything God has done in my life clicks together to make this beautiful mosaic. All of the things that He has brought me through in my past are being used for my present and my future. Thoughts, dreams, visions all falling into place, falling right into my hands, where they are not just thoughts and dreams and visions anymore but tangible L I F E. I am on a mission, and it's where God leads that I want to follow. May He continue to use me wherever I am, and may I continue to follow as his beloved daughter...

Whether New York City or Africa......... Stay tuned...


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Here are some photos of my INCREDIBLE outreach for you to enjoy.