Open the floodgates

June 18, 2020

rushing. rushing. rushing. building, breaking. smoothing, refining. healing. healing. healing.


i spent a week out in nature. hiking, breathing, connecting. connecting. my spirit has been so hungry for something more. for a deep fulfillment. for a fresh wind. it's like i had been so out of touch with myself, the me me, my spirit was crying out, wanting, desperately wanting to see me again. to feel me again. to connect with me again.

so we walked. we talked. we laughed. 

God has been walking me through this crazy journey of self-discovery. challenging me to really tap into myself. to enjoy myself. to find the secrets he has placed in me. to find the treasures he's stored in me from the beginning of time.

i have experienced much healing since coming to know Jesus personally. deep deep deep healing. wells that don't run dry kind of love pouring over me. so it's easy to see all the work that God has already done and think that there is no possible way there is more. more healing. more freedom. but to my surprise, the time is right and he reveals another closed door. another secret chamber in the heart. another area of my life cemented shut. cemented shut. 

my first thoughts are, "oh no. this sounds like pain. this sounds messy, but okay."

and so he leads me on this journey of letting go. a journey of breaking down the walls and barricades i've had up for many many years. a journey of reconnecting and finding myself again.


i had been lost for so many years. most of my life felt pretty cloudy, directionless, uncertain. until i met Jesus and he started showing me how to navigate with him. how to depend on him. how to enjoy him. how to look ahead and dream with him. he showed me purpose and vision for my life. he's been showing me who i am, who he originally made me to be.

he's been showing me where i shut off. each hurt, each trigger, each situation that the little girl decided to turn off feeling. where she decided to disconnect. where she chose to protect herself. we all face challenges, hurt, pain- but we're not all taught how to navigate through those things. or how to feel in the midst of those things. i've resorted to people pleasing for almost as long as i can remember. dangerous for a little girl. i shut down my emotions, feelings, wants, desires so early in life to make sure other people were happy. add on top of that being teased, bullied, and experiencing trauma. by the time i was in my teens and going into college that self-worth was pretty much depleted.

so the walls went up. and up. and up. and up. 

God speaks to me so much through nature. so as i'm at this stunningly gorgeous dam in new zealand on my week of adventuring, i saw this picture of my heart. the inside was like the riverbed before the dam was opened- rocky, kind of empty, kind of dry. beautiful, but broken. unfulfilled. without purpose. and then there's the dam. sturdy, strong, in control. holding up this wall of pressure that is so desperately trying to flood the riverbed- or the broken heart. the water is so many things. God's love, pain, healing, forgiveness, emotion, feeling, memories, future, dreams, plans. i could go on and on. these pressures have been sitting, growing, rising. and it's like even if the waters rise the wall just gets another layer added onto it. more cement, more bricks, more "keep 200m from the riverbed at all times" signs.

when God shows me something it's usually so uncomfortable to then sit in it. like when he shows me the crap i hold onto it's usually a pretty immediate, "oh yeah let's get rid of that yuck." so i've felt the same with this load. like wow i do not want this to be my life. i do not want this to poison my relationships and stop me from receiving all the good things he has for me. which it has been- a blockage. a dam. a wall. in relationships. and fear has been the driver. the navigator for waaaay too long.

i'm so done walking in fear. 

so this week of exploration with the Lord i've been like, "Jesus, show me how to open the floodgates. show me how to feel again, because i am conditioned and trained after all these years to shut off, to not feel, to not receive, so i truly don't even know where to begin. but my heart is in your hands. my life is yours. help me. i give you permission to come in and show me. fill me. love me. heal me. help me to feel. help me to press into the pain instead of retreat. help me to connect once again, Papa.

as i watched this dam open and fill the river, i was actually surprised at how long it took to really get going. i was at the farthest viewing point from the dam, so i could mostly see what was happening, but i missed the up front and close view. the first rocks that were hit with the gushing waters. but little by little the river filled and flowed and gushed and rushed. it was magnificent. and when the dam closed again it took a while for the waters to subside. but the marks were left. you could see every place the water had touched.

it's like his healing. it might start slowly. but it will cover every rock, every dry place. there will be an abundance. an abundance. he is in control. and i know that i can trust that he will take good care of me. he always has.

the journey ain't so bad. actually quite beautiful.

Aratiatia Dam, Taupo, New Zealand // 18 June

In the garden

April 30, 2020

Wow. It has been a LONG time since I've written on here. And I have been inspired to start it up again. In these times of Covid-19 and all that the world is going through, I have felt over and over the Lord highlight c r e a t i v i t y. I haven't really tapped into writing as much as I probably could have, but it's never too late.

There is so much that has happened since my last blog post in NOVEMBER 2018.. jeeesh. A lot of which has been covered in my missions updates and facebook posts- but when you're trying to sum up everything that's happening in your life in a few words it's just kinda hard to share the deep heart things. And God is definitely doing deep heart things over the past two years. So, I'm not going to cover things of the past year and a half even though He has done such wonders in my life, but I'm just going to write about where I'm at now and the things God is breathing L I F E into, because WOW. He is doing so much good good goodness.

From the start of the Covid happenings- like the DTS ending early, outreach canceled, students and staff going home, panic across the nations, and so so much that was just completely out of my hands, the Lord's peace has been reigning and ruling in my L I F E. The lockdown in New Zealand began 5 weeks ago, so I've been on the same property with the same faces since then and it's honestly been incredible. I'm not losing my mind or going stir crazy because we have so much property and excitement in our backyard. I feel so blessed for this time and thankful that this is what I get to experience during this time. My heart feels for those that don't have these luxuries during this time. I just desire His PEACE to be released over those I love, those I don't know, those struggling, those who don't have hope to hold onto.

He is my hope. He is the thing I can hold onto- it's not even just the space or room to run around or beauty of the landscapes that surround me, although it definitely helps. But it's the beauty of Him. My creator. It's His extravagance, His love, His captivating nature. It's that intimacy that we've taken the time to cultivate and work on that is just blossoming in this season of unknown and uncertain. I feel like I'm just walking through this gorgeous, fragrant garden with ready fruit- or almost ready fruit- hand in hand with my Creator. I feel like it's one of those seasons that I just feel so so close to my Heavenly Father. I hear Him so clearly, more clearly than probably ever before.

God has been teaching me that there's more depth to his love and healing. And it has been a season of going back into some things of the past and just allowing him in to further heal and deliver me. And it's been SO good! I honestly love heart seasons. There is just so much beauty revealed through this process of r e f i n i n g and allowing Jesus to make me WHOLE. And there is so much to Him. There is nothing too big or scary or dirty for him to grab hold of and make clean. He has been doing a major purifying work, preparing me for the things to come. For the promises he has over my L I F E. For missions. For relationship. For family. For motherhood. For ministry. And mostly.. preparing me for Himself.

It's a continuous journey of reflecting and remembering what He has done in the past, and moving forward from that. Continuing to grow, allowing him to come in and shake things up if need be, or remove things, or strengthen things. Just knowing that He K N O W S what is best for me and that He knows ME. And that I can trust Him in the process and I can trust Him with my heart. I think these past few months have been discovering how much He does know me. Since before the foundations of the earth, He knew me. He put his fingerprint on me. I am a reflection of Him. I carry Him in who I am. It's been this journey of like wow you really really really know me. And because you know me, I don't have to worry! About a thing. Cause he's got me. He has placed specific desires in my heart so the things that I'm excited for or the things I hope for, as I am aligned with Him, are usually things He put in there from the beginning. I just love that. I love seeing it worked out in the every day. Like after sunset, there's this color that the sky turns that is just my absolute favorite color. And every single night as I'm finishing dinner around the picnic tables outside I just sit in wonder like wow, there it is again. My very favorite color- how well you know me and desire for me to enjoy the work of your hands. Throw in a crescent moon and you got me now yelling to everyone in the surrounding area how good God is and how much he loves me.... not even an exaggeration.

One of the things God has brought up from my past is how I've desired to be seen. And in that I've ran to people and to things to be like, "See me!!! Notice me! Hey, do you see me?! Know me! Love me! Affirm me." And all along it's been Him and only Him that could fill that desire. That could truly show me, Anika. I see you and I know you. BECAUSE He created me. Like isn't this just amazing?!

He is tending to my needs, to the garden of my heart. And I believe there is going to be a lot of yummy fruit from this season. Yes & Amen!