Open the floodgates

June 18, 2020

rushing. rushing. rushing. building, breaking. smoothing, refining. healing. healing. healing.


i spent a week out in nature. hiking, breathing, connecting. connecting. my spirit has been so hungry for something more. for a deep fulfillment. for a fresh wind. it's like i had been so out of touch with myself, the me me, my spirit was crying out, wanting, desperately wanting to see me again. to feel me again. to connect with me again.

so we walked. we talked. we laughed. 

God has been walking me through this crazy journey of self-discovery. challenging me to really tap into myself. to enjoy myself. to find the secrets he has placed in me. to find the treasures he's stored in me from the beginning of time.

i have experienced much healing since coming to know Jesus personally. deep deep deep healing. wells that don't run dry kind of love pouring over me. so it's easy to see all the work that God has already done and think that there is no possible way there is more. more healing. more freedom. but to my surprise, the time is right and he reveals another closed door. another secret chamber in the heart. another area of my life cemented shut. cemented shut. 

my first thoughts are, "oh no. this sounds like pain. this sounds messy, but okay."

and so he leads me on this journey of letting go. a journey of breaking down the walls and barricades i've had up for many many years. a journey of reconnecting and finding myself again.


i had been lost for so many years. most of my life felt pretty cloudy, directionless, uncertain. until i met Jesus and he started showing me how to navigate with him. how to depend on him. how to enjoy him. how to look ahead and dream with him. he showed me purpose and vision for my life. he's been showing me who i am, who he originally made me to be.

he's been showing me where i shut off. each hurt, each trigger, each situation that the little girl decided to turn off feeling. where she decided to disconnect. where she chose to protect herself. we all face challenges, hurt, pain- but we're not all taught how to navigate through those things. or how to feel in the midst of those things. i've resorted to people pleasing for almost as long as i can remember. dangerous for a little girl. i shut down my emotions, feelings, wants, desires so early in life to make sure other people were happy. add on top of that being teased, bullied, and experiencing trauma. by the time i was in my teens and going into college that self-worth was pretty much depleted.

so the walls went up. and up. and up. and up. 

God speaks to me so much through nature. so as i'm at this stunningly gorgeous dam in new zealand on my week of adventuring, i saw this picture of my heart. the inside was like the riverbed before the dam was opened- rocky, kind of empty, kind of dry. beautiful, but broken. unfulfilled. without purpose. and then there's the dam. sturdy, strong, in control. holding up this wall of pressure that is so desperately trying to flood the riverbed- or the broken heart. the water is so many things. God's love, pain, healing, forgiveness, emotion, feeling, memories, future, dreams, plans. i could go on and on. these pressures have been sitting, growing, rising. and it's like even if the waters rise the wall just gets another layer added onto it. more cement, more bricks, more "keep 200m from the riverbed at all times" signs.

when God shows me something it's usually so uncomfortable to then sit in it. like when he shows me the crap i hold onto it's usually a pretty immediate, "oh yeah let's get rid of that yuck." so i've felt the same with this load. like wow i do not want this to be my life. i do not want this to poison my relationships and stop me from receiving all the good things he has for me. which it has been- a blockage. a dam. a wall. in relationships. and fear has been the driver. the navigator for waaaay too long.

i'm so done walking in fear. 

so this week of exploration with the Lord i've been like, "Jesus, show me how to open the floodgates. show me how to feel again, because i am conditioned and trained after all these years to shut off, to not feel, to not receive, so i truly don't even know where to begin. but my heart is in your hands. my life is yours. help me. i give you permission to come in and show me. fill me. love me. heal me. help me to feel. help me to press into the pain instead of retreat. help me to connect once again, Papa.

as i watched this dam open and fill the river, i was actually surprised at how long it took to really get going. i was at the farthest viewing point from the dam, so i could mostly see what was happening, but i missed the up front and close view. the first rocks that were hit with the gushing waters. but little by little the river filled and flowed and gushed and rushed. it was magnificent. and when the dam closed again it took a while for the waters to subside. but the marks were left. you could see every place the water had touched.

it's like his healing. it might start slowly. but it will cover every rock, every dry place. there will be an abundance. an abundance. he is in control. and i know that i can trust that he will take good care of me. he always has.

the journey ain't so bad. actually quite beautiful.

Aratiatia Dam, Taupo, New Zealand // 18 June

In the garden

April 30, 2020

Wow. It has been a LONG time since I've written on here. And I have been inspired to start it up again. In these times of Covid-19 and all that the world is going through, I have felt over and over the Lord highlight c r e a t i v i t y. I haven't really tapped into writing as much as I probably could have, but it's never too late.

There is so much that has happened since my last blog post in NOVEMBER 2018.. jeeesh. A lot of which has been covered in my missions updates and facebook posts- but when you're trying to sum up everything that's happening in your life in a few words it's just kinda hard to share the deep heart things. And God is definitely doing deep heart things over the past two years. So, I'm not going to cover things of the past year and a half even though He has done such wonders in my life, but I'm just going to write about where I'm at now and the things God is breathing L I F E into, because WOW. He is doing so much good good goodness.

From the start of the Covid happenings- like the DTS ending early, outreach canceled, students and staff going home, panic across the nations, and so so much that was just completely out of my hands, the Lord's peace has been reigning and ruling in my L I F E. The lockdown in New Zealand began 5 weeks ago, so I've been on the same property with the same faces since then and it's honestly been incredible. I'm not losing my mind or going stir crazy because we have so much property and excitement in our backyard. I feel so blessed for this time and thankful that this is what I get to experience during this time. My heart feels for those that don't have these luxuries during this time. I just desire His PEACE to be released over those I love, those I don't know, those struggling, those who don't have hope to hold onto.

He is my hope. He is the thing I can hold onto- it's not even just the space or room to run around or beauty of the landscapes that surround me, although it definitely helps. But it's the beauty of Him. My creator. It's His extravagance, His love, His captivating nature. It's that intimacy that we've taken the time to cultivate and work on that is just blossoming in this season of unknown and uncertain. I feel like I'm just walking through this gorgeous, fragrant garden with ready fruit- or almost ready fruit- hand in hand with my Creator. I feel like it's one of those seasons that I just feel so so close to my Heavenly Father. I hear Him so clearly, more clearly than probably ever before.

God has been teaching me that there's more depth to his love and healing. And it has been a season of going back into some things of the past and just allowing him in to further heal and deliver me. And it's been SO good! I honestly love heart seasons. There is just so much beauty revealed through this process of r e f i n i n g and allowing Jesus to make me WHOLE. And there is so much to Him. There is nothing too big or scary or dirty for him to grab hold of and make clean. He has been doing a major purifying work, preparing me for the things to come. For the promises he has over my L I F E. For missions. For relationship. For family. For motherhood. For ministry. And mostly.. preparing me for Himself.

It's a continuous journey of reflecting and remembering what He has done in the past, and moving forward from that. Continuing to grow, allowing him to come in and shake things up if need be, or remove things, or strengthen things. Just knowing that He K N O W S what is best for me and that He knows ME. And that I can trust Him in the process and I can trust Him with my heart. I think these past few months have been discovering how much He does know me. Since before the foundations of the earth, He knew me. He put his fingerprint on me. I am a reflection of Him. I carry Him in who I am. It's been this journey of like wow you really really really know me. And because you know me, I don't have to worry! About a thing. Cause he's got me. He has placed specific desires in my heart so the things that I'm excited for or the things I hope for, as I am aligned with Him, are usually things He put in there from the beginning. I just love that. I love seeing it worked out in the every day. Like after sunset, there's this color that the sky turns that is just my absolute favorite color. And every single night as I'm finishing dinner around the picnic tables outside I just sit in wonder like wow, there it is again. My very favorite color- how well you know me and desire for me to enjoy the work of your hands. Throw in a crescent moon and you got me now yelling to everyone in the surrounding area how good God is and how much he loves me.... not even an exaggeration.

One of the things God has brought up from my past is how I've desired to be seen. And in that I've ran to people and to things to be like, "See me!!! Notice me! Hey, do you see me?! Know me! Love me! Affirm me." And all along it's been Him and only Him that could fill that desire. That could truly show me, Anika. I see you and I know you. BECAUSE He created me. Like isn't this just amazing?!

He is tending to my needs, to the garden of my heart. And I believe there is going to be a lot of yummy fruit from this season. Yes & Amen!

Becoming Me

Wow. What a blessing it is to be called precious. To be called beloved. To be called daughter. As I sit here on this windy Saturday in Brooklyn, basking in His presence, I am reminded of how He sees me. I am reminded of who He has created me to be. I am reminded of His goodness, and of His loving ways.

This week I experienced something new with the Lord, as I do most weeks. So much has been changing and welling up within me. He is doing MAJOR things in my heart and I feel like I am in such a precious and sweet place with the Lord. For maybe the first time, I am truly understanding what it means to be falling deeply in L O V E with the Lord. Learning what it means to no longer call him, 'My Master' but 'My Husband'- Hosea 2.

For many years, I have put my own meaning on the word love. I have put boundaries on the word love, I have put false meaning to the word intimacy. But, day by day, He breaks off the things I have associated with these words, and shows me what Godly love is, what intimacy with Him truly means. What AGAPE love is. The unconditional, ever-flowing love that He has for me.

This week was interesting, and a learning experience. The beginning of the week started being filled to the overflow with His love and kindness. Monday this love continued to pour out, joy was overflowing! He has called me to be a joyous person, and I really felt that at the surface at the beginning of the week. And as with most high's come that spiritual backlash- the warfare. This time it was in the form of actual sickness. I felt weaker and weaker as the week went on. My body ached with pain, exhaustion filled my entire being, sickness came like a storm and blew me to the ground. Instead of hiding under His wings- which ACTUALLY protect from all sickness, pestilence, and every evil thing -Psalm 91- I let the sickness overtake. I gave in to the pain and let it steal my joy for the next four days. Because I didn't feel well I didn't spend those precious moments with the Lord taking shelter under His wings and I truly suffered through these next days.

What is great about walking with the Lord is everything can be used for good, and used as a learning experience. So by the end of the week I came to the realization, I snapped out of it, and realized I didn't put my energy into God healing me and protecting me, I put my energy into this sickness. When I was standing out in the open storm, I should have been running under the umbrella that He was holding out for me the whole time.

So here, as I sit engulfed in His presence, covered by His protection.. the sickness has vanished. It was just such a clear reminder that at our highs and especially our lows we need to be RUNNING to Him. Running to the safe place, to our secret garden of intimacy. When I don't feel good, I should be taking all of my effort and more to run to Him because that is where I will be healed and covered. We don't have to fight our own battles, we don't even have to fight sickness. We just have to come to Him and take cover under His wings. It is such a beautiful concept, such a beautiful truth.

So in this season of growing deeper in love with God, my Father & Friend, He has been bringing so much to L I F E. He is showing me WHO I AM. Becoming a completely new person this year has left me in wonder of what it means to be Anika. The identity I had given myself for 23 years stripped away. So what does that mean, who am I now? He has been showing me each day the beautiful ways in which He created me. The things He has purposed for my life, the beauty He has sewn into me. And I LOVE who He has created me to be. I love all of the big and little things that make up who I am. Creative, compassionate, funny, full of wisdom, a writer, a creator, a lover, a fighter. All of these things just show me more of who He is and I love that. Learning who I am points me to Him, there is no way around it.

Stepping into who I am has already opened some doors for the future. Exciting things to come in this next year. India in February, and Zambia in August are two of the doors that He is opening for me to walk through, I know there will be many more doors to walk through as well. He has called me to go to the nations, and I am so ready to go! He continues to bring me back to Isaiah 6, in which the Lord asks, "Whom shall I send, and who will go for us?" Isaiah replies, "Here I am! Send me." Isaiah 6:8.  He is so BEYOND worthy, God I will go! So He is sending me. So much is yet to unfold for even these two missions, but I know He has gifted me with things that need to be shared, and I need to not hold back any of it. All of who He has created me to be needs to be shared with this beautiful world. And if I keep looking to the source for my identity, keep looking to Him to show me who I am, the whole essence of who I am will glorify Him in every way. He will be the image that shines forth.



And so that, my friends, is my prayer. That as I become more of the beauty He created me to be, that it is the beauty of Him that shines through my entire being.



-Anika Jade

S E A S O N S

For everything there is a season, and a time for every matter under heaven...  Ecclesiastes 3:1

How true this is and how intimately I have come to know these words over the past year. AND seasons change but His love remains. I have learned in the last year that no matter where we are in the world He is with us. No matter what we are doing, He loves us. No matter how we get there, He does not change! He wants and knows what is best for us.

So since giving my life to Christ, all I have wanted is to follow Him in all that He has for me. Whether here or there, doing this or that- I know the He knows best. And so, I am in a season of learning to trust Him and his guidance no matter where that takes me.


While I was in New Zealand, the question of what am I doing after the DTS kept popping up. But truly, I just wanted to live in the season I was in, I wanted to be fully present and not let the anxieties and worries of tomorrow weigh me down- which was actually a huge victory for me. I was someone who always loved to know what was next, what to look forward to. I didn't want too much mystery or unknown, because that was scary. But this time, I was almost scared to know what was next so I actually didn't want to know. Many of my fellow YWAMers had 'plans'. They were either taking a gap year before college, or had family they were eager to get back to, or were debating staying in New Zealand to join as staff. Honestly that was what I was hoping God was going to lead me to doing- and maybe one day I will staff a YWAM DTS, but that wasn't what He was calling me into for this season.

While I was laying down my future and my life, I also had to lay down my fear of going HOME. So many options and possibilities on what to do next but I did NOT want to go back to New York. Most people I was walking along side felt the complete opposite- they couldn't wait to get back home to comfort and familiarity, but me- no. The thought of home was filled with fear and failure and the past, I was ready for new, ready to see more, experience more.

But all in all I knew I had to lay this fear down. I had to give it up to God who wants to take it and replace it. So that's what we did. I gave him my fear and he replaced it with hope, and in the end excitement. It wasn't until mid-way through my outreach in the Solomon Islands that God revealed to me that I was, in fact, going home. I remember the day so clearly and the words He spoke to my heart. Before this, I was pretty confident I was going to Africa or Australia to do some more mission work, but His timing was different than what I thought.

I was filled with excitement and joy that God had a plan for the next season, that He was taking me back home to New York for a reason. Although fear tried to creep in here and there, I knew that He was coming with me and that I didn't need to take hold of that fear.

I see now, four months later, as I sit typing this from my new apartment in Brooklyn, how deeply God changed my heart. It was like He needed me to see for myself that I truly am not the person that left New York in January. That the girl coming home was new. That she was alive, and had the heart and mind of Christ. He had to show me that He was going to be with me in the toughest of situations and in the best. He needed to show me that I can be a light amidst the darkness, and that my story, my real L I F E has purpose.


Coming home from an experience like I had, there is expected backlash. Expected attacks from the enemy, expected hardships and lows. And it's true- I definitely experienced the re-entry phase- the coming back from this crazy, fiery, kingdom culture, radical living, mission field, Jesus crazed atmosphere into a completely spiritually dry and dead atmosphere. It was heart breaking. It was not easy. At times I felt so lost and alone, or in my head and not able to relate with people. But also knowing the Jesus never left my side, that I was never alone, and that I was on this new L I F E journey with Him and I would do anything for Him. And He provides! He provided everything I needed, from my parents and their constant support, to opportunities to serve and speak at the churches, to wonderful Christian fellowship with the ladies of a church, to friends and family that I got to love on and share my life altering experiences with! He provided jobs and new relationships- and healing from old ones, He provided encouragement from others around me, and even friends from my DTS that I could continue walking through this next season with. Jehovah Jireh, the God who PROVIDES. I LOVE being able to witness the realness of who He is. I love experiencing His faithfulness. I love learning and understanding more of who He is and how He loves his children. I LOVE HIM and He is good.


So most of my time at home was spent working, as per usual, but it definitely looked and felt different. I live in a place that is flooded with seasonal 'guests' so most of any work I have done has been seasonal service industry jobs, i.e. restaurant, retail, yacht work, and babysitting. It has always been the most stressful of environments, and most taxing physically mentally and emotionally. In the past, I sadly never experienced a job that didn't completely drain me and make me want to run far far away never to work again. Ha, not even kidding. So this summer, being a transformed individual and having the mind of Christ had a challenge to work in this environment without letting the negativity and stress of it all overtake my mind and self. And wow, by the grace of God so much changed. I was so dependent on Him to show me where to work and what would be the best fit for me in this season, and to help me get through it all. I tried out a few jobs here and there, one in the restaurant and one on a yacht. Both came to an end very quickly after being asked questions like, "Do you have any blow?" and becoming so obsessed with the money aspect of the work that I forgot what I was really there for (to be a light). Yeah being asked if I had coke (in general but especially AT WORK?!?!?!?!) reeeeally did not sit well with me. God bless your poor soul. So I stepped down, I stepped away from the jobs, from the negativity that quickly began to overwhelm me and just said God I know you will provide what I need, when I need it. I even made lists of self work I could do if a "job job" was not what He had for me in this season. I was willing to literally do anything, I just didn't want to be that old person.


Beautifully enough, He had it all planned out- and it has lead me to where I am, right now.. in my new apartment in Brooklyn. A few odd jobs here and there until He planted me exactly where He wanted me. And His timing was crazy! I always think- what if the boat thing worked out and I wasn't available those days to pick up the babysitting shift?! What if I had a job already so I wasn't asking around for nanny jobs, etc.?! What if what if, but no.. I believe His plan was above all of it! So in the weeks of looking and asking for babysitting shifts or families that needed some help the rest of the summer, I got a text from a friend of my sister looking for a babysitter for her bosses neighbor. Literally. Anyways, I took the job, which was supposed to be for three days and ended up being my full time work for the rest of the summer....?!? Her previous nanny quit WHILE I was working, I'm like aaahhhh I see you God. I needed a job and she needed a nanny?! And it is such a good fit, I absolutely adore the children and parents, and we all just really work well together. I have such a heart for children and definitely see a future ministry working with kiddies, so this has been a really big step towards that for me. Full time job of loving on them and caring for them and showing them that beyond their mom and dad and me, they are completely taken care of, created by, and loved by an awesome God! They are only 3 years and 1.5 so baby steps, literally, but it has been so wonderful to watch this whole thing unfold.

I thought that the job would go until the end of summer and then say see ya later alligators. I thought I was going to be in Africa doing more mission work within the next couple of weeks. But really the timing just didn't feel right on all of that. I do 100% feel like I will be in Africa at some point in the next year or so, but just following God's footprints for where He wants me right now. So He has guided me two hours west of my family home in Bridgehampton to New York City!!!!! I moved to Brooklyn to live with three strangers on September 1st, and commute into Manhattan 5-6 days out of the week to hang with my lil babes. Everything is new and exciting, also scary and intimidating. But honestly one of the coolest opportunities I get to live out! I will be living here for the year, probably until next summer when everything starts back up in the Hamptons and the beach is ready for me again, but I also don't know what His plan is and when I will understand the bigger picture.

I have already seen crazy prayers answered- down to having exposed brick and a window in my room (with an awesome sunset view and fire escape not to mention- sooo Brooklyn). He is continuing to provide everything I need- an awesome church community with weekly fellowship, a job that I LOVE, new adventures, friendly and lovely roommates. He knows my heart, He knows what I need and what I desire.

My words are positive because I believe in His goodness and faithfulness, but trust me- it has not all been easy peasy. It has actually been pretty isolating making this big change and huge move. Trying to find myself amidst all of the transition. But it is all helping me to become who I am. Things like drinking alcohol and desiring wrongful attention that have completely deadened me spiritually in the past coming back to test me. And yes I have failed some of the tests, but it continually pushes me to Jesus. He doesn't want us to be all strong and perfect, He says he is best glorified in our weaknesses. So day after day, I take my fault and my mistakes and give it up to Him. But man, does alcohol have a stronghold over my life. Where I thought I could just casually drink like I see so many other Christians do.. it's just not about comparison. It's about my personal walk and I've come to realize in the last week that drinking is something I have to completely and fully surrender to the Lord, so I have, once again. I know that whatever the cost, whatever suffering I may endure, He is worth it.

Knowing Him, experiencing Him, being loved by Him, it makes it all worth it.

For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us.  Romans 8:18



This is my L I F E right now. Growing in trust, learning to hear & experience Him differently, enjoying the toil and work, rejoicing in all He has done in my L I F E. I am so excited for the season He has me in right now, I love the ones He has brought me through in the past, and I look forward to everything He has for me in the future. I don't know who reads this blog, but I pray my experiences and words will encourage you and strengthen your faith in the King of kings. He is a faithful Father and a good Friend!

Remembrance

Remembering what God has done. Remembering how far he has brought me. All of the seasons coming together to create one beauty-FULL life.

Remembering how He completely transformed my mind and heart in the last year. Remembering how He answered (and continues to answer) the desires of my heart. It's crazy how he knows us. Like, he knows us SO deeply, so much more than we even know ourselves- I mean he CREATED us. 

Today, I am remembering my outreach in the Solomon Islands. I am remembering how God used ME as a vessel, how he strengthened me, how he guided me, how he grew me. How he loved me, and loved through me. If you haven't read my previous posts- you should! It is about my transformative experience with YWAM and the first part of the school that prepared me for what I will be sharing in this post...

During the lecture phase of my DTS we had to pray about what outreach team we were supposed to be on. This was early on in the first few weeks- it was actually a step in learning to hear God's voice and trust that he speaks to us. As I said in the last blog post, I was in the wild heart stream of my DTS, in which there were three different outreach teams. Of the 7(+/-) different streams in our entire school, there were 11 outreach teams, going to all different locations in the South Pacific. My homework was to pray about and ask God which team I was supposed to be on- 1, 2, or 3.  It seemed kind of silly as we didn't know any information on where these teams were going or who our leaders or teammates would be, and we just had to receive a number that would determine all of these things!? So I got right to it, I made up a little system and asked God, okay team 1 bring me to a scripture about this.. team two, a scripture about this.. team three, etc. After praying and asking God for a clear answer to the team I was supposed to be on, it was clear as day (with many confirmations); I got team 2! And a few days later we all found out our outreach locations and teams. I was on a team of 5 students with 2 staff leading us to the Solomon Islands. 

I immediately was like NO WAY, God has been speaking to me for months!? After being accepted to this DTS back in September, one day I was just looking at a map of the South Pacific region wondering where I might go on outreach. SOLOMON ISLANDS jumped out at me. Even when explaining to friends what YWAM was and what I might be doing, I said, "My outreach will be somewhere in the South Pacific, like the Solomon Islands or something." He was speaking this to me for months and I had no idea, until I knew! It was kind of encouraging- like okay well, what else has he been speaking to me throughout my entire L I F E?! 

Our team didn't know much about our outreach until we got there really. We had very few contacts upon arrival and few plans on what we were going to be doing- but we had extraordinary leaders and an awesome team of willing hearts to just follow where He was leading. It was so adventurous for us wild hearts, exactly what we needed (I would say.) If I had three words to describe our outreach I would say, hmmm that's pretty hard. Spontaneous, Spirit-led, and (IMMENSE) Growth.


We left our base in New Zealand the second week of April. Goodbyes were super hard- as we were all going to different locations for the next two months! We spent three incredible months together, growing with one another, having crazy break through, and just completely falling in love with one another (in a non-romantic way, lol), and in love with our GOD. I honestly think goodbyes were harder leaving for outreach than they were leaving at the end of the school. Anyways- my team flew into Honiara, the capital city in the Guadacanal Province of the Solomon Islands. I remember the Lord just flooding me with excitement and promises for the time we were going to spend there.


First impressions are so interesting, but they really stick. I remember every minute of that first day, like it was yesterday. Getting picked up at the airport, driving through the dirt roads, markets everywhere, garbage EVERYWHERE, hot sun blazing down. And then arriving at our first accommodation being completely blown away for how God provided for us. I thought we were going to be sleeping in like a hut on the dirt ground, no electricity, etc.... Little did I know, we were going to have a full (screened in) house, with multiple bedrooms and bathrooms, living room, kitchen, porch. It was beautiful. This all was provided by the ONE contact we had, SITAG. They are a bible translation and literacy program in the Solomon Islands, connected with Whitcliff (a Bible Translating Organization). They were so welcoming and gave us a little rundown of how we could help them out while we were there. A few weeks into our outreach we got to purchase and distribute bibles that were translated into a Solomon Island language to unreached people groups- but I will get there in more detail.


So, what was our main M I S S I O N for our outreach in the Solomon Islands?

• To build relationship with the people
• To learn about and understand the culture and people
• To love on and serve the people
• To share the gospel & reveal truth about God
• To break religiosity and show what it means to be in relationship with the Lord
• To build confidence and faith in the power of Jesus' name through prayer, deliverance, healing
• To let the L I G H T of C H R I S T shine through the darkness. 
• To claim Kingdom Culture among the people, and claim their land as HIS. 

We were aware of some of the spiritual warfare we might combat, that came in forms of witchcraft and black magic, heathen worship, dreams, fear, and more. There were times when multiple members of our team were struggling with bad dreams and fear of the darkness. Earlier in the DTS, the Lord brought be to Psalm 91- a psalm of complete protection over all evil. After praying one morning for scriptures for each of us to read throughout our outreach, I again felt led to read Psalm 91 every night before bed. And so I did, and I truly felt that protection. There were nights where I felt just completely under attack from the enemy, and would just continuously pray out Psalm 91, and even just speaking Jesus' name over and over out loud. It began this huge sense of trust and faith in how He protects ME. As I dwell in His shelter, and abide in His shadow I am covered by His blood that was shed to overcome ALL evil. I saw these words come to life as I saw darkness flee at His name, not only before bed, but in many scenarios during outreach, and since. This scripture has become a powerful weapon in spiritual warfare. 

What was MY m i s s i o n for this time on outreach?

My mission was to learn to love with the Father's heart. To learn to serve willingly and wholeheartedly. To learn to share my story without fear and to watch chains be broken the way I experienced it. To TAKE MY VOICE BACK, after years of being silenced by satan, and to speak with authority. To submit to my leaders and mostly to God, to watch Him lead and to follow. To dream BIG and expect God in HUGE ways- whether it was provision, protection, guidance, strength. And to show the women and young girls their worth in Jesus Christ.

I found all of these things come to life during my time, the learning process was huge and some things were harder than others but I truly felt like an overcomer by the end of my outreach. That was the word I left with in my heart, OVERCAME. The obstacles, the struggles, the annoyances, the hardships- in their own times were dealt with. In the end of the outreach, we were evaluated by our leaders, and one thing mine said to me that really stuck, was that I was never comfortable in staying in a struggle and with everything I found ways to let God help me overcome. And I think that is the most important thing- that I couldn't do it on my own, but had to allow God in to show me and teach me and help me through EVERYTHING, good and bad. It was a time of continually submitting to the Lord. I had to submit my own ways, thoughts, desires, pride to the Lord and let Him who KNOWS lead the way. He needed to make the decisions and he needed us to submit ourselves to allow that to happen. And the most incredible things happened because of it.


Soooo, what did we DO?!

We spent the first 3.5 weeks in Honiara and then 2 weeks on an outer island Malaita and back to Honiara for the final 2.5 weeks. The first weeks we spent working with different churches, youth groups, schools. We did market ministry, street evangelism, prayer walks, open air testimony sharing and worship, and more! We had the most amazing opportunities, day after day, fall right into our hands. We continued to follow where the Spirit led us, even to the hour of where and what we should be doing. This included following the Spirit in rest times and team-building. There were events that we preached at and shared testimonies, there were times of celebration, times of serving, and times of being served. My team and I were constantly blown away at the generosity of the Solomon Islanders and their beautiful and wonderful hospitality. Time after time we were served unbelievable dinners and honored in beautiful and humbling ways.

There was one day where we felt led to do a 'treasure hunt'. Most of us had never done this, or even knew what this meant. This type of treasure hunt was basically walking through the city seeking out different 'treasures' that the Lord placed in our hearts and minds. People to pray for, or share the gospel with. Places to be for divine encounters, and ideas for what the Lord wanted us to do. Completely Spirit-led treasure hunt. So the night and morning before we prayed about different 'treasures' or clues for the next day, as well as partners to go out with. We all went our different directions and had completely unique and amazing experiences per group. We were asking Holy Spirit which way to turn on roads, and specifically which people to speak with. I had the impression that we were going to worship near this tree, so I brought my ukulele and music. (I was with two others.) We wondered through the city praying and seeking direction. We immediately felt led to speak with the government officials and were able to set up a prayer meeting with the Guadacanal Province Government for later that day! So cool. We continued to walk around and felt led into this particular market. Some of the markets in Honiara are suuuuper dark and unwelcoming to say the least. We walked through and I felt super weird after we even had to break off curses and cover ourselves in prayer. BUT we did find the tree God showed me to worship at, in the back of the market next to the gambling and drinking. Although fear was creeping all around, we knew that worshiping here would be that powerful tool, the spiritual warfare that He wanted us to use to bring light to the darkness.

After a little back and forth in the city, we got to spend over an hour in the government building. My teammate shared a beautiful word on Unity in the body of Christ, and we then prayed for individuals. We saw healing and deliverance during this prayer time as well as tears filling many of the government officials eyes. It was beautiful and honoring to be able to speak openly to these people in positions of power. We then headed back towards the market, where darkness LITERALLY hovered. God told me to look at this dark cloud that was hovering over the area, and impressed in my heart that as we worshipped light would overcome and break through this darkness. As sure enough, mid-worshipping in a crowd of 80+ people, I look up to bright and sunnier blue skies, not a dark cloud in sight. As I continued worshipping and singing of the power in Jesus' name, my teammates prayed for people that came forward. I shared a bit of my testimony- for the first time publicly like this- and asked those who needed healing of the heart, or to find forgiveness to come forward. We saw physical healing, emotional healing, more than 5 people recommit their lives to Jesus. We heard words of people being encouraged to turn back to God, and so much more! It was absolutely incredible. Light always overcomes darkness, and we were so blessed to witness it with our own eyes. This experience will always be one of my favorite testimonies of God using us as His vessels to reach the unreached and to love on ALL people.

We spent a lot of time building relationship with this one church, and the school they run as well. These were a group of some of the most FIRE-Y people I have ever met. They were beautiful, servant hearted, lovers of Jesus, and it some of my most beautiful memories of Honiara come from that group of people. Multiple times we were so blessed to go and teach at their school. All of the teachers there volunteer their time, so it was awesome to be a part of that and really just see what it means to so humbly serve and just the opportunity to love on these beautiful kids was my favorite.

The next few weeks in Malaita consisted of many hours of travel, loads of bibles, and probably the most beautiful places I have ever been in my entire life. Some moments were so unreal I would just cry out in awe of God, like "MAN OH MAN this is top of the list dreams coming true right here!"
 God is so cool, He knows. He knows E V E R Y desire of our heart, every dream, every wish- He probably put them there to begin with. Funny enough- I put up a serious fight with God about this portion of our outreach. I did NOT want to go. I was comfortable in Honiara, I didn't want to trek around with all of our stuff AND loads of bibles AND massive amounts of food for the two weeks. I just did not want to go. And one night in Honiara before we left, we were prompted to pray about going for three weeks rather than two, and boy did I get humbled that night. I knew we were going for three weeks- our whole team immediately agreed that was what we felt peace with. and then the Holy Spirit came in like a wrecking ball and we SURELY got hit hard- all while the song, "Kia Kaha" was playing. It says, "Oh not my will but Yours be done, reveal the will of the Father... I trust you Lord, I trust you know it all for me." Great song BTW.

It was so clearly all coming from the enemy. Not wanting to go- all of this fear of the unknown being flooded into my mind, and I was taking hold of these evil thoughts. Meanwhile, this was some of the best moments of the whole outreach. It was incredible. We had a guide and translator with us, as well as the YWAM Solomon Island's Director, our S.I. mama and her daughter. They both blessed us with SO much during that time, and we got to meet their families! We were mostly doing village to village ministry in East and West Kwaio, in Malaita. We distributed bibles and children story books, as well as put on 'programs' at every village's church. We typically did a skit [about creation, the fall, redemption & restoration through Jesus, and relationship], a song or two of worship, one or two testimonies, and a message on the Word. Each time would be different- different Word, testimonies from different teammates, all according to how the Spirit led us. It was so fun because we wouldn't even know until the literal moment you were called up by another teammate, or stood up saying you had something to share. All of these different ways of being led were so strengthening to my personal trust and faith that I don't need to be anxious- EVER- for He will ALWAYS give me the words to speak in the hour to speak them- Matthew 10:19. We were able to get comfortable in our testimonies- but also learned to share different aspects of them. We were able to be (humbly) confident in the words God put on our hearts to share, and just public speaking in general.


Our final weeks in Honiara, we spent at the YWAM base in the S.I. We got to know Hilda the director for the 2 weeks we were in Malaita and were so happy to be with her for the remainder of our outreach- along with the amazing team they have there. During this portion we did a lot more manual and hands-on work, i.e. gardening, construction, painting, & cooking, as well as leading worship & intercession times. We continued to do street evangelism, prayer walks, ministry with the Gateway Church & school, and we were invited to a college youth rally weekend with the other YWAM team, where we collaborated skits, worship music, and testimonies. It was incredible to work with one another and just really walk in that unity. I absolutely LOVED getting to know the staff at YWAM Solomons and work along side of them. We got to cook and clean and worship and build together. They are beautiful people and relationships that I won't forget.


All of the experiences in these two months changed something in me. It was a feeling of belonging- not in the world but in that Kingdom culture. Wherever I was, wherever I am, I belong, to someone, something bigger than myself. I learned to love in a different way. It was something I struggled with in the beginning, but something God worked with me and showed me how to receive His love, and let it flow through me. To love ABOVE quirks and differences, even annoyances, and to SEE the Jesus in others, to see purpose and beauty in all of those around me. I also realized one of the biggest desires of my heart- to do mission work in third world countries. I had this thought and desire since college, and it started blossoming into real life! My life! It felt so right to be out in foreign places sharing His love. I found this deeper sense of my calling.


I continue to see how everything God has done in my life clicks together to make this beautiful mosaic. All of the things that He has brought me through in my past are being used for my present and my future. Thoughts, dreams, visions all falling into place, falling right into my hands, where they are not just thoughts and dreams and visions anymore but tangible L I F E. I am on a mission, and it's where God leads that I want to follow. May He continue to use me wherever I am, and may I continue to follow as his beloved daughter...

Whether New York City or Africa......... Stay tuned...


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Here are some photos of my INCREDIBLE outreach for you to enjoy.

Redemption by Grace

So much is happening in my life at this very moment, throughout the past two months, and what is soon to come, that I am really looking forward to writing about... BUT first I feel like I want to share about my life changing experience with YWAM (Youth with a Mission).
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If you read my previous blog post I shared a little about the call I received from God to join Marine Reach school in Tauranga, New Zealand, for their five-month Discipleship Training School (DTS). I applied to this DTS in early August 2017, in total fear that I wouldn't be accepted because of where I was at with my walk with God. To my surprise, I was soon accepted into their January 2018 school under the Wild Heart stream. When researching which DTS to attend, (which there are like thousands all over the entire world) I definitely feel like God provided exactly what I needed, where I needed it. When looking at the YWAM webpage, which was almost a little overwhelming from all the many many choices I could make, it quickly became so clear that the Wild Heart stream in this school in New Zealand was where God was pulling me. Like the words were literally jumping off the page and my heart was RACING. I read something like, "Do you have a heart for adventure?! Do you want to be WILD for GOD?!" um YES AND YES. I even ignored the parts that were like, you might be trekking out to unreached places with loads of bibles to distribute (which funny enough came to pass on my outreach) because that sounded less fun than "zip-lining through the jungles, white water rafting, and surfing while in lecture phase."


At this time in my life, prior to the start of the DTS process, I felt very little direction. I was just living for myself. Not for God and not for others. This was the first time in years I felt like I was being led by God, and even more- the first time I was walking in OBEDIENCE in a really long time. If you aren't familiar with YWAM and this all sounds random and unclear, I would check it out! The organization's mission is to bring together young people, ages 17-30, to train & disciple & host a place for their spiritual growth/walk with God, and to then send them out into the world to do the Great Commission (preach the gospel, lay hands on the sick, cast demons out of people.) ALL which is what I experienced during my time with them. The school is divided into two phases, lecture phase and outreach. Lecture phase was 12 weeks of intensive preparation, a time of really getting right with God, laying our lives down as Christ did, and for me HEALING. And an 8 week outreach follows, where we let God lead us to a location, and go to do His work!

Now, when I applied, even when I got there, I had NO IDEA what I was in for. I didn't really know what any of this even meant. I didn't know how deep it was going to be. I didn't know how broken and lost I was. I didn't know God was personal and wanted to be in RELATIONSHIP with ME.   I had no idea. I had no idea that this was the start of a new life, that this was the start of freedom. That this is where I was going to be set free & delivered from the haunting of my past. That God was going to clothe me in purity and completely wipe my past away. But now, I look back and see it all so clearly. I see how it all fit together for my life journey. I see how he really can and WILL work all things for good for those who love HIM- Romans 8:28. I see how this was just one piece to the puzzle, and one step that I needed to take to get on the right path, the path of righteousness.

Changing my life, surrendering all I am and have to the Lord was a C H O I C E. We all have free will. God didn't create us to force us to be in relationship with him. He wanted us to CHOOSE to be in that relationship. It took me years of battling myself, and the world to realize.. I simply can not do it on my own.. nor do I want to. At this point, I'm like why wouldn't I want to walk with Him- who knows me better than I know myself. I don't WANT to live without Him, I don't WANT to be my own god anymore. I had been living in and surrounded by this idea that everyone can and should be their own god.. it's up to you to create your own happiness and light kinda thing. I've just found there is SO much more walking and living for a GOD bigger than myself, the creator of the universe, MY creator. The one who knitted us together in our mother's womb- Psalm 139:13. There is endless possibilities walking with the Holy Spirit. All I had to do was accept what Jesus did for ME. That he was persecuted for MY transgressions, and that the Spirit of God rose him from the dead. And my free gift is eternal life WITH HIM!

I recommitted my life to Jesus after sharing my life story with my 65 student and 22 staff school. After laying everything out on the table, the deepest of secrets I buried within myself, the pain and horror I had experienced in my past, as well as the rescuing I had experienced with God throughout my life at different times. The morning before I shared my life story I felt that small whisper from God say, "Forgive and you will be forgiven." I was not familiar with hearing God's voice, or even knowing how intimately he speaks to us. But it was so clear that this is what I needed to do. My past was my past and I needed to learn to forgive and let those that hurt me FREE. Forgiving others not only set me free, it also set them free. It severed something in the spiritual, a bond that was holding us both captive, and it was the start to a deep and long healing process. I remember the night before our first official day of the school we had this worship session. First, I had never experienced worship like this- I barely even knew any of the songs. The director of our school started prophesying over the season we were in and over some of us specifically. I remember he- not knowing who it was for or maybe it was for multiple people- but he said the words "Let. Go." and I immediately broke down. It pierced so deep into my spirit. like a canon ball to my stomach. And this was before anything even started! It was like a preparation for what was to come- like get ready to let go of everything you've ever known and ready to experience a whole new life a whole new perspective of life.

I remember the first moment I walked through the doors of the base. I was welcomed by these lovely girls, just open arms of love. I was kind of like okay, what's happening right now, also I am so hungry?! I immediately had girls praying for me and speaking words of knowledge over me, and it was all just pushing me past my comfort zone into the reality of what was to come over the next five months. This was a place for me to start over, from the very beginning. To take off the cloaks of shame and guilt that I had been carrying for so long. To find that innocence again. To find how to be a child again, and look to my Heavenly Father for EVERYTHING. This was a place for me to be surrounded by people who wanted to help lift me back on my feet, people who wanted to join me in my journey, people who wanted to support and encourage me, who wanted to challenge me. People who helped me find purpose and my special God given gifts. People who helped teach, and share experience and wisdom. People who showed me what it meant to be on FIRE for God. People who loved and people who I could love. I truly believe that God hand-picked all of us to be there for one another. TIMING is crazy, and I am just so thankful that is where I ended up at that exact point in my life. So thankful to all of the people who were there for me, but mostly thankful to God that DTS was a part of my journey.

One of the last days of DTS my friend was like I can't wait to get to heaven and ask Papa how many tears I cried. Same, bro. More tears in this five months, than my entire life! In the absolute best way ever. When I say deep healing, I didn't know how deep deep could get. This one day God showed me this GIGANTIC root in my heart that he was trying to pull out but something was still holding them in place. I was like I have to go deeper than I already am?! One of my favorite days during lecture phase were Wednesdays. My ministry placement (chores) for Wednesdays was grounds keeping, and God used this time almost every week to show me something symbolic of what he was doing in me through nature. My favorite was weeding when I got to rip out all of the bad stuff to make room for new stuff.. good stuff.

The entire lecture phase was incredible, to say the least. We got to grow with one another, grow in our faith, in our FIRE. Worship sessions were like all time favorite- by the end I was named the tambourine girl. Dancing crazy, singing crazier, worshipping and praising our God, lifting up our voices. It was very special, very unforgettable. The weekly lecturers were some of the most amazing and gifted people that I've experienced. Some of the craziest things I have ever done happened during those weeks. We were given this safe space to step out in boldness, to practice hearing God's voice and acting on it, to practice our spiritual gifting. And just a safe place to ask REAL questions and get good answers. In the lecture phase, I found how important and integral the Word is in keeping that healthy and alive relationship with God. DTS is commonly referred to as Die To Self, meaning we learn how to pick up our cross daily, and walk in the Spirit. We were taught on subjects from wisdom, to spiritual warfare, to the holy spirit, and the character and nature of God, and more! Just week after week of mind blowing, revelational information!

There was a day of baptism, where nearly 40 of us were baptized! I made this decision to be re-baptized early on in my DTS journey. I knew I wanted to make that public commitment of dying to my old self and rising into a new life with Christ. It was one of the best days I can remember. The before and after photos show that tangible rebirth- which is incredible to me. That old girl, she truly died, she was drowned in the ocean that day, February 16, 2018. I was first baptized when I was about 12 years old, but it just didn't have the same meaning then as it did this time. This was like a real launching step into this new life. It was the beginning of this new life! I honestly think it is amazing what God did. The TANGIBLE difference. I LOOK DIFFERENT. My eyes changed, my smile changed. Life was breathed back into me! Where I was filled with darkness I am now filled with light. Where I was held captive to fear, sadness, despair, I am now free to dance in hope, love, faith, and joy. The Lord brought me to Luke 11:34-36 one day which says, "Your eye is the lamp of your body. When your eye is healthy, your whole body is full of light, but when it is bad, your body is full of darkness. Therefore be careful lest the light in you be darkness. If then your whole body is full of light, having no part dark, it will be wholly bright, as when a lamp with its rays gives you light." I know now what this means, because I can see it in my own eyes! See for yourself the before and after shots! All glory to God!

 BEFORE REDEMPTION

AFTER

  

Pictured (top to bottom): My one-on-one and dear German friend, Fran! She was a DTS staff who was there for me every week to pray with, talk to, laugh with, sing with, be loved by... and much more. We are very silly and sometimes it was hard to be serious, but I am so thankful God gave me such a beautifully hearted friend to walk through this season with, and a life long sister for the ones to come! She is on FIRE for God.

My roommate and Faroese sista, Sara. What a beautiful, fun, and loving girl I got to live with. Full of biblical wisdom, JOKES, constant support, and prayer. Love this girl. And behind us a wonderful man of God, Noah.

And lastly, my seven wonderful, unique, talented, loving, gorgeous roommates. From left to right, Prinscillia, me, Sara, Sonya, Andrea, Hee Jung, Elizabeth, and Lisa. WOW WOW WOW (we actually made up a song using only those words because it just describes us perfectly). What a beyond blessing it is to know these INCREDIBLE women of God and to be loved by them. Ya know when they say friends forever.... YEAH, we sisters.


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My God is a redeeming God, he is a transformative God, he is a LIVING God, he is a personal God. He is faithful, he is abundant. He has forever transformed my life and made me whole. When I was lost, he was with me. And when I was ready to come home, he welcomed me and continues to rejoice over me. Where there was captivity, he brought freedom. Where there was pain and suffering, he brought joy. He is my guide, my Father, my friend, my everything. I am thankful for every bit of it, everything that got me to where I am today. I am thankful that my identity is now found in Him and not that of the world. I am thankful that he loves me.

I know this is only the start to an eternal life with Him. YES & AMEN.

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This post is getting rather lengthy, so I better stop here. BUT, I have so much more to share about my incredible experience with YWAM in the Outreach Phase of my DTS. So..... To be continued....

A Short Blurb on my L I F E

What has been the journey to today?


My name is Anika Jade, I am soon to be 24 years old. I grew up in Eastern Long Island, New York in a wonderful Jesus-loving family. I have two older brothers and three younger sisters, an amazing set of parents and two funny dogs. I have been so blessed to live near the ocean my entire life, and I can't find myself without the salty air and sea waves for too long. Maybe that's the main reason I went to college on the East Coast of Florida (it is)...

I studied at Flagler College in Saint Augustine, FL and left with a bachelor's degree in political science & fine arts. St. Augustine and my experience in the nation's oldest city left me hungry for adventure. A desire to experience new culture, language, food, places, and people grew within me. During my studies I learned a lot about international relations, different ways of living, governing, ways economics effect a nation. I learned about the differences between first-world and third-world countries.. and this intrigued me to say the least--- (you can read more about this in future posts.)

Not to say that where I went to college and what I studied defines who I am, but it did get my heart searching and beginning to churn for what God revealed was next. I see now, two years after graduating, that God was planting seeds in my heart my entire college career, and those seeds are beginning to come to life.

For a year and a half post-graduation, I wandered. Not feeling connected with God, lost, and confused on where to go or what to do, I spent time wandering. Trying to find that deeper something that I knew was within. I traveled here and there and spent the summers back home working. I grew up believing in Jesus and calling myself a Christian, but I don't think I truly knew what that meant until this year. I accepted Him into my heart at a young age, and was baptized when I was 12, so I KNEW he was always with me. What I didn't know was what He wanted for my life, and how he wanted to be in a relationship with me.

So about a year ago, I answered a call. The call was from God and He was directing me to this organization YWAM, Youth with a Mission. I had looked into YWAM's programs for a few years and I even started an application to one of their schools a few years back, but timing never seemed right. I wasn't ready a few years back. YWAM is based all over the world, and they run a 5-6 month DTS or Discipleship Training School. Their mission is to bring young people in (and send them out), "to Know God and to make Him known." A year ago, I still didn't really understand that God is a personal God- I thought that if I went to this school, I was going to learn about some far away God. I had no clue ALL that my God was going to do in me. After years of running around lost and confused, I decided to take this leap of faith, and go on this journey He was calling me to.

BEST. DECISION. EVER.

Everything felt right. It was scary, and I was so broken, but a midst all of the pain and darkness I was living in, it felt right. One summer day as I was complaining about not knowing what to do next, and not wanting to stay home for the winter my dad says, "Why don't you do a DTS like you've wanted?" Oh yeah! Little by little, after researching, finding the right school, applying and being accepted to Marine Reach in New Zealand, I was on my way across the world and into the next HUGE chapter of my life.

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Six months passed, and here I am, back in New York. Completely transformed, renewed, ALIVE. Truly, spiritually awakened. I was blind but now I see. He saved me from myself and the path I was on. I know who I am- a daughter of the most high, a child of God. I have found that deeper relationship that my heart was crying out for, I have found so much freedom. All from answering God's call.


A year ago, I would never write or publish anything about my Christian walk, I was walking oppressed by fear.. fear of what the world thinks. Seven months ago, I recommitted my life to Christ, I surrendered all, and I continue to surrender day after day. It has been the greatest choice I have ever made. Life BEGINS with HIM. So here is the beginning of something new, and I am excited to be writing about my journey!

If you are wondering what happened in the six months with YWAM... Stay tuned!